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 that damn Muddy Rag #11 Lucky's Guide to Gambling
2003 Edition 
The Officious Newsletter of the Sturdy Beggar™ Appreciation Society
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Lucky's Guide to Gambling

There's only one word needed to explain the allure of gambling: GREED! There is nothing like the adrenaline rush of instantly amassing a fortune with little or no effort, other than your intellect, intuitive senses and plain dumb luck. It makes the crushing defeats and hours of painful bladder control worth it. It sure makes work look like a big waste of time. The key to successful gambling is patience. And greed. Someday, you will hit it big. Are the odds too long? Do you have a better "chance" of getting killed by terrorists than hitting the big one? No matter, you simply increase your odds with each bet, so no bet is ever wasted. I have hit many huge paybacks, but the big one still eludes me. After that, Grandma will finally get that life-saving surgery. I will then quit gambling and live on my fortune for the rest of my life, and support my seventeen children and four ex-wives.

The best thing about hitting a good bet is that you will have more to gamble next time. Did you win a shilling or two on a ticket game? Buy another ticket with it. You realistically could win more, and besides, you are just gambling with house money then anyway, so its not real money until you cash it in! Right? If you lose, so what? That just means you have increased your chances next time. It's a win-win situation. Why spend that shilling on macaroni and cheese when you might be able to buy a house with it? You can still get free saltines at Wendy's. Well maybe not, since Dave Thomas died. I miss him. He always looked out for the little guy.

My great, fevered, hot throbbing passion is cards. I love card games, especially a "simple" game called poker. I have a "feeling" for cards, and I almost always bet correctly. Sometimes I feel I am psychotic. Ok, sometimes the "feeling" is only gas, after a hot bowl of chili, some bad seafood, or a quart of vodka. That is when I lay low, and practice on my roommates for penny ante. I am almost always correct. Bet more on your winning hands, that what I suggest. I have never gone home a loser, but I have been "behind" at times. Once in a while, I have had to return to make up my losses. That is why I never quit. Quitting is for losers. No guts, no glory. Always chase your losses; that is YOUR money they have, and you want it back!

Superstitions are mandatory for the serious gambler, I myself have a pre-gambling ritual that includes talcum power, Vaseline, amyl nitrate, nitrous oxide and a large plunger, but I cannot reveal it to you, because if I do, my luck will change. Luck is very fickle, just like girlfriends. Be aware of everything in your surroundings when you win: and attempt to re-create that very moment until it happens again. Never end a serious gambling session down in cash, even if it takes all weekend. Sleep costs money. And if you go to take a piss, the other players might leave.

There is no chance, only luck. I wish only the best of luck to you. You will be Lucky if you think you are.

L13

 

that damn Muddy Rag #11 designed & executed by B. H. Lumpyn, L13 11/02 editor: B. H. Lumpyn
scribes du jour: B. B. vB, L13, B. H. Lumpyn, D. S. Fubar
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